John Hammer isn't someone you ever forget. He radiates sincerity, joy, and a refreshing humility. I met John a couple of years ago after he accepted an invitation to speak at men's gathering I was helping facilitate at the time, which on that particular day centered on his newly published book, EXXXIT. We later connected again as part of a podcast I was putting together on The Intersection of Masculinity, Fatherhood and Pornography. It was during this meeting I had the opportunity to hear in greater depth on how he overcome his struggle with pornography.

Envision waking up one morning, checking the news shortly thereafter, and learning the United States passed legislation officially banning all forms of pornography. I imagine that across the nation people of all backgrounds, motivations and opinions would have varied emotions at such a pivotal moment in American history. Some individuals may be shocked, angry, and bewildered while others may be glad and with an immense sense of relief. 

If I could list one element that makes or breaks marital communication, it's our tone. I say this based on countless sessions with couples who have tried to work through important marital issues, only to see their efforts fail due to their use of a harsh or disrespectful tone. Additional communications are destined for failure, unless there is a deliberate shift in how they engage one another. 

As spouses, we have desires and expectations around what it means to be loved by our partner. Though we will surely have various differences in this regard, we all have a common need as human beings: TO BE LOVED, CHERISHED, VALUED, AND UNDERSTOOD. Experiencing these dynamics with our spouse enables us to build a close bond and a feeling of security as a couple. They literally breathe life into our marriage, giving it the sustenance it needs to thrive and remain healthy in the long term. 

Curiosity is one of the most powerful forms of communication. It is a unique mode of human engagement we can utilize to bring a needed level of comfort to our partner. Though some may view it as a simple strategy, I see it as a means of addressing the question, "How can I connect with my partner in a manner that helps them to feel loved, heart and understood?"

Marriage is often considered inherently complex. In many ways it is, however there are certain basic components that must be present for a marital partnership to thrive. One of these elements is the need to be loved, which ranks as one of the greatest of all human needs. When we experience a loving closeness with our spouse, we are free to be ourselves, thereby drawing them into the depths of who we are as a person. On the other hand, when our marriage is filled with tension and distance, we endure an unspeakable amount of emotional pain.

Going toe to toe with your spouse in an argument is never pleasant. The verbal jabs, strikes and devastating uppercuts are painful in their own right. Yet, as all of you who've been married for any amount of time know, there are residual effects as well that carry over once the conflict has ended. These include emotional distancing, hurt feelings, resentment, frustration, and anger. It's crucial that you and your partner understand how to repair your relationship so that you can move forward and once more experience a close emotional connection. Here are strategies that count when making a repair is needed.